19. Assembly

Every morning we have assembly. The whole school, not just us boarders, day girls too. I suppose its the start of the school day. It marks the transition between school and not school. I can’t say home, because this is not a home, it’s nothing remotely like a home. But when the day girls go home it’s not school school anymore. It’s something else. I don’t know what to call it.

Assembly is a bit like chapel but it’s in the large school hall. The old one, not the new one. The one that is also used as a gym. There’s an old school hall and a new school hall. I don’t know why they make us sit cross legged on the floor in the smaller old hall, instead of letting us sit on chairs in the new one. The new one is only for plays and recitals apparently, and Commem (Commemoration Day). Or they could even put out the chairs in the old one. Why do we have to sit on the floor?

Every morning assembly starts with a hymn and then Havard reads something. I’m not usually listening so I don’t know what she reads about. It could be from the Bible, maybe. But it could be something else. Whatever it is, it’s not remotely interesting and I’d rather stare out of the window and think or dream about where I’d rather be. The thing is I don’t know where I’d rather be, except for Monticelli of course. Sometimes I think about whether I’d rather be back at Marymount, or at another school in Paris. I was so lonely there. I never had friends over to play. We were not allowed to play in the beautiful gardens. It was just me and Audrey. I don’t think I’d like that. Monticelli is my favourite daydream. I think about the sea and my best friends, Alessandra, Antonella and Aurora. I think about our lazy afternoons baking ciambelle  or making caramel. The music from last summer floats through my mind ‘Feelings’, tracks from ’Abbey Road’, ‘Battiato’, ‘Eye in the Sky’ and ‘Sara’. I think about Fabrizio and Andrea and Claudio. I can see them in my minds eye. Fabrizio with his beautiful, flirty eyes, teasing me. Andrea playing the fool, Claudio with his bow legs and sad look. I can spend hours dreaming about them all.

Havard is reading out names now. She’s reading out the names of all the girls who have received order marks this week. They have to stand up one by one as she calls their names, to make sure that they are properly shamed, in front of the whole school. Incredibly, my name is not on the list this week. It usually is. It makes a change to be sitting watching others stand up, blushing with embarrassment. But I take no pleasure in their humiliation. It all seems so pointless. We get given order marks when we do something wrong and they count against our House. The names of the girls who have order marks are written on a chalk board outside the hall, and then they are called out in assembly. I don’t even really understand how or what it means. I think the House that gets the most order marks is penalised in some way, but how? I don’t really understand and I’m too embarrassed to ask, I probably should know by now. My house is called Commeline and our house badge is red. The other houses are Shaw (lilac), Eliot (yellow) and Cowan (navy blue). I prefer nay blue and would quite like to be in Cowan but we don’t get to choose. It doesn’t really matter anyway, the only time anyone cares which house they are in is on Sports Day and I don’t give a hoot about Sports Day. I don’t participate and I try not to spectate unless I’m made to. I don’t care who wins or loses, it makes no difference to my life at all.

Havard is still droning on about behaviour and disobedience and I drift off.

I wonder who will be my boyfriends next summer? Fabrizio again maybe? Or Massimo? I’m not sure about Massimo. Or maybe Cesare again? But he’s so wet. Beautiful, but not very interesting. And then there’s Checco but I don’t think he has noticed me and I’m not sure what Enrico will think, they are best friends and I don’t know if he’d like it. But he’s so dreamy. He’s mysterious and very cool. I love the way he rolls up the sleeves of his shirt and how he wears a leather cappio around his neck. And he always looks like he’s thinking about something serious. He’s into really cool music that I’ve never heard before.

Suddenly I am jolted out of my reverie by a strident screeching. It’s Ruddock. Normally she just plays the piano, accompanying us when we sing. She bangs the piano rather than playing it really. It’s not very nice to listen to but our voices just about drown her out. She sits at the upright at the foot of the stage while Havard stands at the lectern, right in the middle of the stage. Ruddock’s handbag always by her feet and her glass of water perched by the piano keys. She carries the same sort of handbag as the queen, always hanging from her forearm. Her hair looks particularly wild today, orangey red and sticking out at the sides. Her bright red lipstick slightly overshoots her lips and her thick glasses make her eyes look like they are popping out of her face.

This morning she stands up at the piano and out of nowhere she’s shrieking at the top of her lungs.

“The sanitary towels, in the toilets, this has got to stop…”

“Who… left the sanitary towels?

This outburst comes out of nowhere. Havard is staring at her but isn’t saying anything. Ruddock picks up her glass and takes a sip, hand trembling. She’s furious.

“It’s dis..gus..ting” she screams, enunciating every syllable.

There is silence in the hall. All heads are turned towards our crazy deputy head. As I glance around the hall, the teachers look uncomfortable, uneasy. Havard still hasn’t said anything. And then suddenly Ruddock has picked up her water glass and her handbag and she’s shuffling down the isle, between the two columns of girls and teachers, muttering to herself as she staggers out of the hall, leaving a trail of spilt water behind her.

Havard is talking again, making some announcement about sports day or something. No comment about Ruddock’s moment in the limelight.

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Most of the time I found school rather baffling. Miss Ruddock seemed so odd to me and I couldn’t make sense of her. I realise how much of the time at school I removed myself by daydreaming. I have always been more at ease in my head than in my body and I can see how in those days being in my body would have been difficult. I think I felt sad and lost most of the time and living in my dreams was a happier place to be. I just didn’t fit in to this world where the only things that counted were being good, doing well in class and being sporty. I ticked none of these boxes. I didn’t do badly academically but I was intellectually immature and the style of teaching at Oakdene didn’t help me grow. There was little space for true creativity or curiosity, both things that are so important to me.

I have remembered this assembly many times. Sometimes I wonder if I dreamed it or if it was real, but it’s so clear in my mind I can’t imagine that it didn’t happen! Admittedly it was almost 45 years ago now, so who knows!