36. I am not a prefect

It’s the first day of the lower sixth. Here we are, back at school, but we are a very reduced group of girls. Some of the lucky ones have left. Not me. I’m stuck here again. Emma and Caz have left. I don’t even know where they’re going. I don’t think Oakdene is very good for sixth form. You can’t study any of the sciences for starters, only the arts subjects. What kind of school doesn’t even offer all the main subjects at A’Level? I’m taking French, Italian and History. It’s a bit embarrassing that I’m doing history since I failed the O’level. I have to take it again. Maybe I should have swapped and done English but no one asked me and I feel too self conscious to say anything. I’m probably not good enough to do English and Mrs Entwistle has never really liked me.

I am the only one who hasn’t been made a prefect. Everyone who has decided to stay at Oakdene for the sixth form - admittedly not many of us - has the badge. Every single one, except for me. I am not a prefect. I don’t know why. I know I am not an angel. Defiantly Disobedient and Blatantly Dishonest are still my middle names, but I’m no worse than most of my peers. I don’t understand.

“You coming?!” Cathy shouts over her shoulder as she heads out of the sixth form block. I’m dragging my feet, following her, reluctantly. It's lunch time and we're going to the dining room. She’s forgotten that I’m not allowed to use the front door. Only teachers and prefects can use the front door. And I am not a prefect. So I have to go through the side door on my own while everyone else goes through the front. I feel bitter, angry and humiliated. I hope no one has seen me.

Is this humiliation intentional? Does Miss Havard really hate me that much? Or is this some kind of message. But what? And why? I can’t get my head around why I have been singled out in this way. What’s wrong with me that I’ve had to wait three weeks longer than everyone else? There must be something, but what?

That was three weeks ago. Yesterday, Miss Havard called me over after assembly and told me I am now a prefect. She told me to get my badge from Mrs X. She didn’t say why I’ve had to wait, why I wasn’t made a prefect with everyone else and I didn’t ask. I wanted to. I wanted to say something, anything, to stand up for myself, but I didn’t. I wasn't expecting this and the cat got my tongue. I’m really annoyed with myself, why didn’t I say something?

Oakdene never stops feeling punishing and lonely. Even now, after six years, I don't feel I belong here.

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I have never understood why Miss Havard chose not to make me a prefect at the same time as everyone else. It made no sense then and it makes no sense to me now. I don't think Miss Havard disliked me any more than anyone else. But there must have been a reason. Who knows? I never will!